I have hurt the one that I love the most in the whole world. And I am so truly sorry.

When I started blogging, I never expected for anyone to read my inner most thoughts. The entire reason I started was to give myself an outlet in which to vent and get it out of my system. I don’t have any friends, so there is no one to talk to when I am upset, sad, and/or pissed. Talking (or in this case blogging) is the way in which I collect my thoughts and try to rationalize and calm myself down. Most of the time I am just raging and it truly means nothing. However, those of you that read what I write don’t know what is fact and what is just incoherent bullshit. This is my own personal made-up world. In my mind, they are just words but words can cut like a knife and leave scars that are difficult if not impossible to heal.

During the process, I few started reading. I think there is a handful out there that read me on a regular basis. One of my newest readers is my husband; otherwise known here as Alpha Male. While I never openly invited him to read my blog, I never tried to overtly hide it either. He knew I blogged, and once I started doing PayPerPost.com I had to write from home so he saw it.

And he read every single entry (to include comments). While writing my inner most thoughts and spewing forth my frustrations for the world to see, I never took into account how he would feel if he ever read my words. Words that were about him. And my words ripped his heart in two. Something I never-ever wanted or intended to happen. As much as he drives me crazy, I love him more than I ever thought I could ever love another human being (my children excluded of course). I am by no way perfect, and have many more faults than I would like to admit. More than is probably healthy. But the things that I said about him were unfair.

He is a good man. No…he is a GREAT man. The best man I have ever known in my entire life. And I totally take him for granted. Since the start he has been the most generous and loving man that I have ever known. He will give a stranger the shirt off his back, and he would lay down his life for those that he loves. I so wish that I could be more like him. For as much as I would like to say that I am the same way, I cannot. I would rather live in my own little world. I am selfish. I am a bitch most of the time. I will admit it, and I am not proud of it. That’s probably why I don’t have any friends.

Everything that I have today is either directly (or indirectly) because of him. My financial stability, my job, my house, my beautiful children. EVERYTHING. I literally owe him my life. He has been the most supportive person in my life and is always there when I need him. He spoils me rotten and he so totally deserves to be treated the same. And I have failed miserably to this point. He has repeatedly put up with my shit and still given me everything that I have ever wanted. Anything I have ever wanted he has provided, even if he had to do without. But I seem to only see when I don’t get my way.

For all the negative words that I have spoken about him here, to date there is not one positive word to show how much he truly means to me. Not one, and that is wrong on so many levels. I can only imagine how hurtful that was. He deserves more respect that I have shown him here. I didn’t realize that I was so harsh and I apologize. I regret spilling my thoughts out for strangers to see. I am so very, very sorry. I wish that I could take back all the hurtful words ~ undo the pain.

This is my feeble attempt to rectify the situation. To say I am so sorry for all that has been said and done. I want the world to know how much I love and cherish you. How much I am truly sorry that I have not been the wife you want and deserve. How wonderful, loving and caring you are. How you are the best father any woman could ever ask for. How I couldn’t live without you.

I love you more than you could ever know Alpha Male. Even though I have a really shitty way of showing it. I hope that someday you can find room in your heart to forgive me. I am sorry that it has taken me so long to find the words to say I am sorry. Nothing I can say can adequately express how sorry I am that I hurt you. I know this won’t take back all the hurt, but I hope it is at least a start.