Life has been a roller-coaster these last few weeks to say the least. So much has happened that it is hard to know where to start. Especially without boring everyone to sleep in the process. Let's see...where did I leave off?

oh yes, the vacation from hell!

The trip to Niagara Falls. It went. Wildman was on his best behavior and we made great time. The trip went downhill from there. I am going to elaborate about the entire trip in a later post when I have more time, but between the IL's not really wanting us there, to my dear son teething and getting a canker sore. It was the worst week EVER. I couldn't wait to get home.

This past Sunday I put the kids to bed as usual. By 11 pm there was obviously something wrong with Wildman. He woke up crying and gasping for air. Within minutes I knew something wasn't right. I got dressed and took him to the Urgent Care Center. He has croup. We were there for another 2.5 hours. They gave him steriods and watched him to see if he got better. It helped a little bit, but I had to sleep in his room for a few nights to make sure he didn't have another attack. I took him to the pediatrician and they prescribed him 3 days of steriods. He is better now, but it has turned into a cold. He is coughing and has a runny nose. I just hope that it doesn't turn into bronchitis. I absolutely hate it when one of the kids is sick. Alpha Male and I have had to keep him home all week. There goes what little bit of vacation I had :(

Then there's me...

As those of you who have been here awhile know, I have been having a difficult time lately. Then with the bad vacation, WM being sick, and the stress of a HUGE deadline looming at work I reached my breaking point Wednesday. Without going all into it, AM was Mr. Sensitive and got snippy because I was tired and didn't want to get up off the couch Monday to answer the phone. *Cue the psycho music* I turned into mega bitch evidently, because by Wednesday morning (while the working world crashed all around me my first day back) AM had to call me at work to tell me basically that he hates me and doesn't want to be with me anymore. I am a horrible person. I am mean. I am fat. I am not worth the effort.

I admit that I can be a mean ass bitch when I want to be. For over the past year, I haven't been so nice, especially to AM. I have no friends and I don't have a good relationship with my own family. AM is all I have so he get all the good and the bad. Not to mention that he irritates the hell out of me. He doesn't understand me and I don't think he wants to either. As I have written before, I have wondered many times if I still am suffering from PPD or flat out depression. All I know is I am unhappy and I really have no reason to be. I can't remember a day since WM was born that I didn't cry (or at least almost cry).

I am lonely. I am tired. I am frustrated. I want to be grateful for my life. I want to truly love and want my husband again. I want to be normal and happy again. I have everything that I have ever wanted and so much more. So why do I still feel this way? Sometimes I wonder if I am scarring my children with my behavior? Will they turn out as messed up as I am? It isn't a good thing that I get so uptight and upset at them.

I made the call Wedesday. I called and made an appointment with my family doctor and a counselor. I saw the conselor that afternoon. Thanks Dr. V for not thinking I am totally crazy. I have seen a few couselor's but I think she might be a keeper. Time will tell. I esaw Dr. O yesterday too. I am now on a cholesterol pill, a nasal inhaler for allergies, and an anti-depressant. I hope it helps, but why do I feel so ashamed to have to resort to this? I have to figure out what is going on and fix it. For me and my family. If this continues it is going to tear my family apart. But I feel like such a failure. Why can't I do it on my own? Why can't I find it in my heart to be nice to those that I love?

I wasn't going to tell AM about my diagnosis, but we got into it last night. I so much want him to understand what I am going through and be supportive. I know that it would make everything a little bit easier. But of course he doens't. Maybe I have pushed him too hard for too long? He says he doesn't care about me anymore. He had a lot harder life than I did and he deals with it fine (which I don' t think he does, but who am I right?) He thinks that I am a loser for "being depressed". I haven't told him that I am on medication for it. He made a comment about getting all doped up so I don't have to deal with my problems. I can't handle the responsibility, he says. Why can't he see that I am seeking help to learn to deal with the stress and problems in my life. I don't want to be this miserable person anymore. I want to be happy and make him happy and be the person I used to be. I think he thinks I am crazy. That makes me even more sad.

Add to all of that the fact that the only real friend I have here at work got a new job and is gone. She says she will be around, but I am terrible at the long distance friendship thing and I know how it really works. Out of sight- out of mind. It really has been a shitty couple of days. Hell, it has been a shitty year. I just keep telling myself that it will ge better and I will get better too. But when and at what cost?

Sorry this has been so scattered, smothered, and tossed. That's how my brain is these days. If you made it all the way through...here, have a cookie and thanks for listening.