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About Me

Name: Elleoz

From: Fort Mill, South Carolina, United States

I am 32 years old and have been married for 6 years. I had two children under 2 (hence the blog name), but now they are actually 3 and 2. Maybe it is time to change the blog name? Drama Queen is 3 and Wildman is 2 (15 months apart to be exact). I have a Bachelor's Degree on Criminal Justice from Applachian State University (Go Apps!) and have been at my current place of employment for going on 7 years.

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    Friday, September 22, 2006
    Where To Begin?
    Life has been a roller-coaster these last few weeks to say the least. So much has happened that it is hard to know where to start. Especially without boring everyone to sleep in the process. Let's see...where did I leave off?

    oh yes, the vacation from hell!

    The trip to Niagara Falls. It went. Wildman was on his best behavior and we made great time. The trip went downhill from there. I am going to elaborate about the entire trip in a later post when I have more time, but between the IL's not really wanting us there, to my dear son teething and getting a canker sore. It was the worst week EVER. I couldn't wait to get home.

    This past Sunday I put the kids to bed as usual. By 11 pm there was obviously something wrong with Wildman. He woke up crying and gasping for air. Within minutes I knew something wasn't right. I got dressed and took him to the Urgent Care Center. He has croup. We were there for another 2.5 hours. They gave him steriods and watched him to see if he got better. It helped a little bit, but I had to sleep in his room for a few nights to make sure he didn't have another attack. I took him to the pediatrician and they prescribed him 3 days of steriods. He is better now, but it has turned into a cold. He is coughing and has a runny nose. I just hope that it doesn't turn into bronchitis. I absolutely hate it when one of the kids is sick. Alpha Male and I have had to keep him home all week. There goes what little bit of vacation I had :(

    Then there's me...

    As those of you who have been here awhile know, I have been having a difficult time lately. Then with the bad vacation, WM being sick, and the stress of a HUGE deadline looming at work I reached my breaking point Wednesday. Without going all into it, AM was Mr. Sensitive and got snippy because I was tired and didn't want to get up off the couch Monday to answer the phone. *Cue the psycho music* I turned into mega bitch evidently, because by Wednesday morning (while the working world crashed all around me my first day back) AM had to call me at work to tell me basically that he hates me and doesn't want to be with me anymore. I am a horrible person. I am mean. I am fat. I am not worth the effort.

    I admit that I can be a mean ass bitch when I want to be. For over the past year, I haven't been so nice, especially to AM. I have no friends and I don't have a good relationship with my own family. AM is all I have so he get all the good and the bad. Not to mention that he irritates the hell out of me. He doesn't understand me and I don't think he wants to either. As I have written before, I have wondered many times if I still am suffering from PPD or flat out depression. All I know is I am unhappy and I really have no reason to be. I can't remember a day since WM was born that I didn't cry (or at least almost cry).

    I am lonely. I am tired. I am frustrated. I want to be grateful for my life. I want to truly love and want my husband again. I want to be normal and happy again. I have everything that I have ever wanted and so much more. So why do I still feel this way? Sometimes I wonder if I am scarring my children with my behavior? Will they turn out as messed up as I am? It isn't a good thing that I get so uptight and upset at them.

    I made the call Wedesday. I called and made an appointment with my family doctor and a counselor. I saw the conselor that afternoon. Thanks Dr. V for not thinking I am totally crazy. I have seen a few couselor's but I think she might be a keeper. Time will tell. I esaw Dr. O yesterday too. I am now on a cholesterol pill, a nasal inhaler for allergies, and an anti-depressant. I hope it helps, but why do I feel so ashamed to have to resort to this? I have to figure out what is going on and fix it. For me and my family. If this continues it is going to tear my family apart. But I feel like such a failure. Why can't I do it on my own? Why can't I find it in my heart to be nice to those that I love?

    I wasn't going to tell AM about my diagnosis, but we got into it last night. I so much want him to understand what I am going through and be supportive. I know that it would make everything a little bit easier. But of course he doens't. Maybe I have pushed him too hard for too long? He says he doesn't care about me anymore. He had a lot harder life than I did and he deals with it fine (which I don' t think he does, but who am I right?) He thinks that I am a loser for "being depressed". I haven't told him that I am on medication for it. He made a comment about getting all doped up so I don't have to deal with my problems. I can't handle the responsibility, he says. Why can't he see that I am seeking help to learn to deal with the stress and problems in my life. I don't want to be this miserable person anymore. I want to be happy and make him happy and be the person I used to be. I think he thinks I am crazy. That makes me even more sad.

    Add to all of that the fact that the only real friend I have here at work got a new job and is gone. She says she will be around, but I am terrible at the long distance friendship thing and I know how it really works. Out of sight- out of mind. It really has been a shitty couple of days. Hell, it has been a shitty year. I just keep telling myself that it will ge better and I will get better too. But when and at what cost?

    Sorry this has been so scattered, smothered, and tossed. That's how my brain is these days. If you made it all the way through...here, have a cookie and thanks for listening.

      posted at 9/22/2006 09:18:00 AM

    At Friday, September 22, 2006 1:13:00 PM, Blogger EC said...

    I'm so sorry you are going through all of this!!!

    It must be so hard :(

    I just got your message, and I would love to meet up! Its funny, because I have seen your blog around and I really enjoy it! I think I probably saw it through the BOTB but I'm not sure.

    So, let me know if you want to meet!

    Oh - a big P.S. My mom does not know ANYTHING about my blog, or my life basically, lol, so we can't speak about anything in front of her! How juvenile do I feel saying that, lol.

    At Saturday, September 23, 2006 1:42:00 PM, Anonymous Allyson said...

    I can't imagine not having the support you need right now. AM doesn't seem to understand what you're going through, and I don't know how easily that will change. His comment that he 'doesn't care' about you anymore - toss it to the side and don't let it effect the path you're taking now. What matters is sorting *yourself* out and, then, things will fall into place.

    I'm going to tell you what you probably realize already... you're not a loser for getting help and taking those meds. It's a start, and it may be the push you need to just talk to your counselor and get everything out in the open. You're doing the right thing.

    At Monday, September 25, 2006 9:31:00 AM, Blogger Amy W said...

    That is completely brave of you to start medicine and to help yourself get better...what's the deal with AM? Is he still around?

    At Monday, September 25, 2006 11:25:00 AM, Blogger CPA Mom said...

    You are not a loser. You are a winner for recognizing you need help and getting it. AM is a loser for acting the way he is. I hope he will go to couples counseling with you or does he want a divorce? I can't imagine trying to make my way each day without the support of my husband. But I could do it if he was being so NEGATIVE like AM. You need support or nothing at all from him, if that makes sense. Don't let him drag you down. You are too important. Your kids need a happy, healthy Mom. BRAVO to you for working towards that goal.

    At Monday, September 25, 2006 3:06:00 PM, Anonymous Nicole said...

    Here via CPA Mom, and since I'm new, I'll just offer this:

    You are doing the right thing.

    You deserve a partner that supports you, especially when the going gets tough.

    Your kids will be okay.

    At Monday, September 25, 2006 3:25:00 PM, Blogger Silly Hily said...

    Have you thought about maybe printing this out and giving it to AM to read? That way, he can see what's going on inside your head instead of hearing it during a fight.
    Hang in there though. I agree with the above comment...YOU have to get YOURSELF better first. You have to be your best and in return, your family will get the best you have to offer.
    Stay strong.

    At Monday, September 25, 2006 4:43:00 PM, Blogger Working Mom said...

    I'm visiting via cpa mom.

    I'm so sorry about everything going on right now! I do understand alot of what you're going through and I wish you the best. Remember, take care of yourself first, your family will benefit greatly for it.

    At Wednesday, September 27, 2006 4:10:00 PM, Blogger Rachel said...

    All I can say to that post is: WOOOOOW. That really, really, really hit home for me. I feel the same way about the way I act towards my husband, my kids and everyone else for that matter. I had a baby 8 months ago and told myself over and over again that it was PPD, I don't think that's the problem. I get the feeling my husband is close to the end of his rope with me, but I've been trying to find a dr. to talk with but have been unsuccessful so far. Good luck and keep trying. Things will get better.


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