I did it! I had my first guitar lesson but man do my fingers hurt. Actually, they are more like numb now. I can now play 4 chords and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. Aren't you proud?

I am trying not to get all obsessed like I usually do. That only leads to frustration. I have to keep telling myself that I am not going to learn everything in one week. It is hard for me since I already read music, so to be able to play anything without knowing what note I am actually playing is so strange to me. But I like playing tab though. Hey...it's music by numbers man!

To day is Friday! Hooray! I didn't think I was ever going to see it to the end of the week. I hope that the kiddos sleep in in the morning. I am one tired chicky!

We are going to a authentic redneck wedding tomorrow and I am scared! I'll be the first to admit that I am a redneck, but this it REDneck. It is Alpha Male's cousin and his live-in girlfriend. They have been living together for many years so I am not sure what has prompted them to make it legal. Heck, they have grown children together and South Carolina is a common-law state so legally its like they are married anyway. But for whatever reason, they are gettin themselves hitched tomorrow at 2 pm. The wedding invitation was hand delivered night before last. The invitation was nice enough. Wedding stationary with shiny pink ribbon. They invite itself was hand-written. I know what you are thinking...what is the problem right?

Well, nothing except that Saturday was spelled wrong. It is now spelled Saterday. I got a giggle out of that. It should be interesting. D & B are interesting enough but both are not the fine upstanding citizens most would expect. D loves his beer (to a fault) and has been known to partake in the recreational drugs on numerous occassions. B has as well. But they are good people so off we go tomorrow. My Mother is coming to stay with the kids. That will be an adventure all on its own.

Moving on....

Anyone catch CSI last night? What was up with the picture at the last minute? I have my theory. Let's hear yours! I like the way the writers are carrying to story over several episodes. I wonder if it will be like that the entire episode. I just wish they would stop showing Danny Bonaduce with his dead eyes. They are creeping me out.

I watched most of Smallville too. Tom Welling is just a hottie. But I can't help but feel that this needs to me the last season. How much saving can Clark do? And as they say, as soon as they graduated from high school the "jumped the shark". They need to end it while the endings good. Even though that will be yet another staple from my viewing stable that is gone forever.

I watched about 15 minutes of ER, but I feel asleep. I taped it though, so while AM is gone to his Mason meeting, I'll be watching it from the conforts of my bed. After I practice my guitar of course.

But enough about me. I know I have bored you to tears. If there is any topic that you want me to blog about please let me know. I aim to please. What are your plans for the weekend?

And if you are still with me. Go visit Erin, my renter. She's much more interesting than I.

Cut.Paste.Copy.Print.

That's what I have been doing ALL day. Oh the joys of my job. I only have about 2 more weeks or this stuff too. WHOO HOO!! I can't wait until this inspection is over and done with so I can take some time off and chill. It will also be nice to know that I still have a job. LOL! I'm not that worried, but this is my first inspection where I am in charge and I don't know if I will be prepared. I don't know the policies near well enough to answer questions without looking it up. Let's just hope that they assessors are so blown away by my files that they don't have any questions. (like that is going to happen~yeah right!)

Another quality TV night. AlphaMale says I watch too much TV. Is it a bad sign that I have resorted to blogging about TV shows because I have nothing else useful to say? Maybe he is right? Anyway...

Jericho. Awesome show! I compare it to a The Day After vs. Lost vs. The Stand. It's about this small town in Kansas that has survived a nuclear bomb. They are totally sut off from the rest of the nation and don't know what happened other than they saw a mushroom cloud towards Denver. They are trying to survive and figure out what is going on. All the while there is lots of mystery surrounding many of the characters. And it has Skeet Ulrich.

You know, the guy from The Craft. Not hot, but not not either. Know what I mean? Kind of the Steven Tyler syndrome. There's just something about him. Something Johhy Depp-esque maybe?

I digress. If you haven't watched the show. Do so. It is really good. Even my office mate liked it, and he is hard to please.



And then there was the season opener of One Tree Hill. It is my new Dawson's Creek. Yes, I am a dork, but I love me some teen-drama shows. I was devastated when Dawson's Creek went off the air. I have 3 of the 6 seasons on DVD so far. Go ahead and laugh. I can take it. And it has Chad Michael Murray from....Dawson's Creek. I have always loved this show and it is filmed in NC so that helps too. When the show ended last May they left it hanging open since its fate hadn't been determined yet (damn CW...what is up with that anyway?) so I didn't know who was pregnant and who was dead. Turns out no one (except Karen) is pregnant (or are they?) and no one is dead, just in a coma. Looks like a good season, but hopefully they won't mess things up. Something tells me this may be the last season, but I sure hope not. CMM is a hottie!

There's something I just noticed. I have a thing for hairless men. Hmmm...

Other than that, I'm just working away. I don't think I mentioned it yesterday, but I bough a guitar with some of my winnings. I decided I needed to buy something for me for a change. I have wanted to learn how to play for a while so I bit the bullet. I have my first lesson today at 3:30. I am a little nervous cause I hate playing in front of other people, but I have no clue how to get started so this will be easier for me. And give me something to look forward too. Who knows....maybe I will become the rock star I always dreamed of being :)

Later taters!

Ok, I couldn't resist. Happy Hump Day everyone. That just doesn't sound good. Who the heck coined that phrase anyway?

First, everyone MUST go to my renter. RIGHT.NOW! Clicky-click over there on your right. See it?...Good. I'll wait. Erin from It's My Life... is a hoot and a half. She is a newly single mother of a gorgeous little boy from the North Carolina state capital of Raleigh. Beautiful city if I do say so myself. We almost met up in Cherokee NC last weekend, but due to that pesky water pollution problem, her trip was cancelled. Durn them thar Injuns. But we will meet someday, somewhere, somehow. She's an awsome blogger with a lot of interesting and funny things to say. She;s going through a lot right now and could use all the blogger love and support she can get. And it doesn't hurt that she is my landlord at the current time as well. So....get your butt over there and say I sent ya!

***

Not much else going on in there here parts today. As I said yesterday, I MUST get some work done today. My ass is on the line and if I don't get this done I am out of a job. Not a good thing. I just wanted to take a second to comment on the lack of quality TV programming on Tuesday nights. WTF is up with that? There was nothing on so I was forced to watch Dancing With The Stars. How much does this show suck? Why, Why WHY must they dance to popular music? I loved So You Think You Can Dance, but this is terrible! Who thought up the idea of dancing the tango to SImply Irresistable by Robert Palmer or What You WAiting For by Gwen Stefani? UGH! And my sweet Joey "WHOA" Lawrence? What the hell happened? He now looks like Mr. Clean with a bad Mystic Tan. Take it away, take it a way now! I think I'll resort to reading from now on. And then cutey patootie Mario Lopez was deducted points for throwing in something original. I thought he was great. But hey I am not a dancer so what do I know right?

Can you tell I am totally out of meaningful and thought provoking ideas at the moment? Maybe something profound will pop in my little brain sometime today. I know everyone will be waiting with baited breath. NOT!

Have a great day! I'll keep you posted if I come up with anything brilliant k?

I totally wasted my lunch hour today. I had made an appointment with Dr. V for my second counseling session today at 11:30, so that I could use my lunch hour. I got there a few minutes early and sat in the waiting area as usual. I should have known something was up. It as unusually quiet and I think I saw one person in the building (it is an old house) for a brief second. I heard no voices and after 15 minutes no one came to check on me. I went to the bathroom and discretly (sp?) made some noise so that maybe someone would come out to see if I needed help. No go. After 20 minutes of waiting, I left. I called her on my cell phone and left her a message stating that I waited for 20 minutes but no one came out so I'd have to reschedule. I am still waiting on her to call me back.

I hate nothing more than having an appoinment and then having to sit there and wait forever. What's the point of making an appointment if you aren't going to keep it. It would have been nice if someone would have acknowledged that I was waiting. I even did my homework for her (20 reasons/things that attracted me to Alpha Male). I was having a good day, but now I am frustrated. But I am trying to let it go. I'm sure something came up. Something better have come up.

Anyway. Not too much more to report. I picked up my consignment stuff that didn't sell. I made another $228 so I should be able to pay off all my credit card and Money line debt now. Yeah baby!

Anyone out there watch Prison Break? OMG is Wentworth Miller yummy! I want to slather him in butter and mop him up with a biscuit. And when he got mad a T-bag. Ooooo! He is soooo freakin hot! And I love the show, even though at times it is predictable. I think that the governor is going to get killed. We shall see though.

I also watched the new show Heroes last night. It was good in a comic-booky, X-men kind of way. The basic premise of the show is these people discover that they have extrordinary powers (like flying, invincible, stopping time, etc).

According to NBC:

From creator/writer Tim Kring (NBC's "Crossing Jordan") comes "Heroes," an epic drama that chronicles the lives of ordinary people who discover they possess extraordinary abilities.
As a total eclipse casts its shadow across the globe, a genetics professor (Sendhil Ramamurthy, "Blind Guy Driving") in India is led by father's disappearance to uncover a secret theory -- there are people with super powers living among us. A young dreamer (Milo Ventimiglia, "Gilmore Girls") tries to convince his politician brother (Adrian Pasdar, "Judging Amy") that he can fly. A high school cheerleader (Hayden Panettiere, "Ice Princess") learns that she is totally indestructible. A Las Vegas stripper (Ali Larter, "Final Destination"), struggling to make ends meet to support her young son (Noah Gray-Cabey, "My Wife & Kids"), discovers that her mirror image has a secret. A fugitive from justice (Leonard Roberts, "Buffy the Vampire Slayer") continues to baffle authorities who twice have been unable to contain him. A gifted artist (Santiago Cabrera, "Empire"), whose drug addiction is destroying his life and relationship with his girlfriend (Tawny Cypress, NBC's "Third Watch"), can paint the future. A down-on-his-luck Los Angeles beat cop (Greg Grunberg, "Alias") can hear people's thoughts, which puts him on the trail of an elusive serial killer. In Japan, a young man (Masi Oka, NBC's "Scrubs") develops a way to stop time through sheer will power. Their ultimate destiny is nothing less than saving the world…

Somehow they are tied together and there is an evil man involved. It is hard to explain, but the show was good if you like that kind of thing. NBC is showing an encore tonight if anyone is interested in checking it out. I really would like it to make it to the end of the season at least so that I can find out what is going on. If they pull a stunt like Fox did with Reunion I will be furious! (Anyone watch that show last year? What a crock that they didn't tell us what happened!) Did any of you watch it? What did you think?

As you can see I am totally bored and have absolutely nothing to write about. I should be working, but I just can't seem to concentrate on it today. But I am going to force myself to at least get some filing done before I go home. I swear tomorrow I am going to work my ass off! So you might not be seeing me around tomorrow. I know you will miss me something awful...right?

After an evening and afternoon of rollercoaster emotions and drama over whether we would or would not be going to Cherokee this weekend, we finally got the all's clear for takeoff. You see...some lovely local gas station split god knows how much gasoline into the reservations water supply. For several days the only thing open in Cherokee NC was the casino, grocery stores, and gas stations. All hotels and restaurants were closed due to the water contaimination.

We were reserved for this weekend, and then told that they could put us in a hotel in Maggie Vally NC for Friday night, but there were no guarantees for Saturday. There was no way that we were going to take the kids and uproot them after a day. It's hard enough when you have to stay in one place with those two.

And of course, I missed an opportunity to meet a fellow blogger due to the maylay. Erin, I am so sorry that your plans didn't work out. I hope you get to reschedule your trip soon. (I know she totally thinks I am stalking her! :0 ) We will get together soon. That is if I haven't scared you away with my enthusiasm.

Anyway.

We got to Cherokee about 8:30 pm. Of course both babies fell asleep about 20 minutes before we got there. But they were so good. I got the room all situated, them in their jammies, and off to sleep they went. Drama Queen and Wild Man even went to sleep with the TV on. They must have been tired. Of course WM's pack-n-play was where he couldn't see it, but after the event otherwise known as Niagara Hell, I was terrified he wouldn't sleep. But he did great both nights. So proving that it was a combo of teething and lack of naps that sent my little baby boy into a tailspin last month. I was in bed by 10:30 myself. I have to say Harrah's has the most comfortable beds. If they came with a masseuse it would be absolutely heaven.

Oh, I forgot to mention that there was a ban on drinking the water. That was a little interesting. The water was safe for bathing, but not for consumption (even though I think we would have been fine considering there was so much chlorine it smelled like a pool) so they provided us with all the bottled water we could drink. Free water anyone? oh me! me! I think we have a 12 pack now in our fridge. We are sooo bad I know :)

Satruday I played blackjack in the morning, but broke even after 3 hours or so. I don't know why I bother playing during the day. I never do well. But later that evening I hit the motherload baby! At 4 am I walked back to room with $755 dollars in my pocket. Yes, $755!!! And at one point I was down to $30. I even got a special purple chip worth $500! I usually do ok (as in $200 or so) but to actually WIN $575 (I started with $180) at electronic blackjack? YEAH BABY! Now I can pay off my credit card. Whoo hoo! I so wish I didn't have a credit card balance so that I could be irresponsible and blow it all, but I'll be good. I might buy a guitar though. I so want to learn how to play.

Alpha Male is so jealous! *evil laugh* He wanted to go down Saturday night (since I never am there that late) but I couldn't stop at midnight when he wanted me to. I was doing too well. He got a free dinner out of the whole thing so he should be happy!

But all in all it was a good weekend. For those that were inquiring about the status of AM and I? We are ok for now. I still haven't forgotten what he has said, but I am hoping as I get better so will our relationship. Thanks so much for all the kind words. I really appreciate it!

And to those that have stopped by through Erin's site. Thanks and come again please! The more the merrier!

Bluebord Blogs is having a contest where they are giving away 2 free custom blogs! Yes, free custom blogs! All you have to do is send an email with your name and blog address to bluebirdblogs@gmail.com.

Entries will be accepted from 7:00pm EST on Thursday 9/14/06 until 11:59pm EST on Friday 9/22/06.

If you mention this contest in a post on your blog you will receive 5 extra entries into the drawing!The winner will be announced on Saturday, September 23rd, 2006.

Life has been a roller-coaster these last few weeks to say the least. So much has happened that it is hard to know where to start. Especially without boring everyone to sleep in the process. Let's see...where did I leave off?

oh yes, the vacation from hell!

The trip to Niagara Falls. It went. Wildman was on his best behavior and we made great time. The trip went downhill from there. I am going to elaborate about the entire trip in a later post when I have more time, but between the IL's not really wanting us there, to my dear son teething and getting a canker sore. It was the worst week EVER. I couldn't wait to get home.

This past Sunday I put the kids to bed as usual. By 11 pm there was obviously something wrong with Wildman. He woke up crying and gasping for air. Within minutes I knew something wasn't right. I got dressed and took him to the Urgent Care Center. He has croup. We were there for another 2.5 hours. They gave him steriods and watched him to see if he got better. It helped a little bit, but I had to sleep in his room for a few nights to make sure he didn't have another attack. I took him to the pediatrician and they prescribed him 3 days of steriods. He is better now, but it has turned into a cold. He is coughing and has a runny nose. I just hope that it doesn't turn into bronchitis. I absolutely hate it when one of the kids is sick. Alpha Male and I have had to keep him home all week. There goes what little bit of vacation I had :(

Then there's me...

As those of you who have been here awhile know, I have been having a difficult time lately. Then with the bad vacation, WM being sick, and the stress of a HUGE deadline looming at work I reached my breaking point Wednesday. Without going all into it, AM was Mr. Sensitive and got snippy because I was tired and didn't want to get up off the couch Monday to answer the phone. *Cue the psycho music* I turned into mega bitch evidently, because by Wednesday morning (while the working world crashed all around me my first day back) AM had to call me at work to tell me basically that he hates me and doesn't want to be with me anymore. I am a horrible person. I am mean. I am fat. I am not worth the effort.

I admit that I can be a mean ass bitch when I want to be. For over the past year, I haven't been so nice, especially to AM. I have no friends and I don't have a good relationship with my own family. AM is all I have so he get all the good and the bad. Not to mention that he irritates the hell out of me. He doesn't understand me and I don't think he wants to either. As I have written before, I have wondered many times if I still am suffering from PPD or flat out depression. All I know is I am unhappy and I really have no reason to be. I can't remember a day since WM was born that I didn't cry (or at least almost cry).

I am lonely. I am tired. I am frustrated. I want to be grateful for my life. I want to truly love and want my husband again. I want to be normal and happy again. I have everything that I have ever wanted and so much more. So why do I still feel this way? Sometimes I wonder if I am scarring my children with my behavior? Will they turn out as messed up as I am? It isn't a good thing that I get so uptight and upset at them.

I made the call Wedesday. I called and made an appointment with my family doctor and a counselor. I saw the conselor that afternoon. Thanks Dr. V for not thinking I am totally crazy. I have seen a few couselor's but I think she might be a keeper. Time will tell. I esaw Dr. O yesterday too. I am now on a cholesterol pill, a nasal inhaler for allergies, and an anti-depressant. I hope it helps, but why do I feel so ashamed to have to resort to this? I have to figure out what is going on and fix it. For me and my family. If this continues it is going to tear my family apart. But I feel like such a failure. Why can't I do it on my own? Why can't I find it in my heart to be nice to those that I love?

I wasn't going to tell AM about my diagnosis, but we got into it last night. I so much want him to understand what I am going through and be supportive. I know that it would make everything a little bit easier. But of course he doens't. Maybe I have pushed him too hard for too long? He says he doesn't care about me anymore. He had a lot harder life than I did and he deals with it fine (which I don' t think he does, but who am I right?) He thinks that I am a loser for "being depressed". I haven't told him that I am on medication for it. He made a comment about getting all doped up so I don't have to deal with my problems. I can't handle the responsibility, he says. Why can't he see that I am seeking help to learn to deal with the stress and problems in my life. I don't want to be this miserable person anymore. I want to be happy and make him happy and be the person I used to be. I think he thinks I am crazy. That makes me even more sad.

Add to all of that the fact that the only real friend I have here at work got a new job and is gone. She says she will be around, but I am terrible at the long distance friendship thing and I know how it really works. Out of sight- out of mind. It really has been a shitty couple of days. Hell, it has been a shitty year. I just keep telling myself that it will ge better and I will get better too. But when and at what cost?

Sorry this has been so scattered, smothered, and tossed. That's how my brain is these days. If you made it all the way through...here, have a cookie and thanks for listening.

I don't have time to recap the adventures of the past week just yet, but I wanted to let everyone know that we returned safely home. and with Drama Queen in tow.

There's no place like home.

5 years ago today, the Nation stood still and watched in horror as terrorists attacked us. We all collectively held our breath and our loved ones as life as we know it changed forever. It is a day that we will never forget. Like other tragedies (such as the JFK assassination, Challenger explosion, etc) we all will remember exactly what we were doing when those planes struck the World Trade Center and they came crashing down around those on the streets.

I work for a Police Department and was busy doing the routine day to day things. The morning started out as normal as any other, but too soon all that would change. I police officer in the area came running into the substation where I worked asking if we had a television. We did, but it wasn't hooked up at that point. When asked why, he stated "A plane just flew into the World Trade Center!". We just looked at him like he was crazy, but within minutes we had the TV up and running and were watching along with a large number of the nation. We all thought that it was just a fluke or some kind of navigational mistake. Within minutes of first turning it on, the second plane with the second tower. It was then that everyone in the room knew that this wasn't a coincidence. It was the first time ever that I saw fear in grown mens eyes.

We continued to watch in horror as the events unfolded. Fire, smoke, people jumping from the buildings. Firefighters and police officers going into the burning buildings...and the towers collapsing. Knowing that so many men and women we not coming out. For the first time in my life, I was truly and utterly speechless. I couldn't believe that it was happening. It was like watching one of those natural diseaster horror movies. Within minutes, the EOC was enacted and the Lt. over my unit was gone to the nuclear power plant. It was all so surreal. I can't imagine what it was like for those in Manhattan and through out NYC that day.

For the rest of the day, the city was absolutely still. For the first time I can ever remember the skies above we still. Utterly silent and that, for me, made it that much more scary. I felt like we were just waiting for the other shoe to drop. And that no.one.was.safe. Although the terrorists didn't succeed in taking our freedom away, they took a little piece of everyone that day.

The events are still so fresh and tears well in my eyes at just the memory of that day. My heart and prayers go to all those with loved ones who lost their lives on that day. May we never have to endure such a fate again.

Tribute to Micheal J. Berkeley

About a month ago, I signed up at www.dcroe.com/2996 to pay tribute to someone who died during the terrorist attacks on 9/11/01. I was assigned Micheal J. Berkeley. Michael J. Berkely was on the 78th floor of the World Trade Center North Tower when the first plane hit. He graduated from Columbia University in 1987. The following was published about Mr. Berkely in the Columbia newsletter :A self-proclaimed "premier bunker player," Michael Berkeley was a
lifelong athlete: a former Little League player, ninth-grade quarterback and college varsity basketball star and, as an adult, a member of four golf clubs. His company, the Berkeley Group (which he founded after a successful career with Merrill Lynch), focused in part on golf course development projects. The firm also specialized in securities brokerage and private equity investments. Berkeley’s memorial service reflected lovingly on his "Summer Camp Years," "Caddy Years" and "Business School Years," among others. "Above all," read the service’s program, "Mike was an adoring husband, a caring son and a devoted father to his two special
‘men’ . . . Eric and Jason."September 11 was his 38th birthday." Michael would have been 43 today.

I wish to take a moment to remember Mr. Michael J. Berkeley, his family and his loved ones. May they find peace and forgiveness in the hearts.