Sorry it's been awhile since my last post. Most of the time I post here at work and words can't describe how crappy my computer is here. Oh well...I'll keep using it until it blows up!

DH and I got into another argument tonight. I have to say that I totally deserved it and I feel like the world's worst parent right now. DD has had an ear and eye infection for a little under a week and she had to get eye drops 3 times a day. Needless to say she hates it and as soon as she sees me coming she starts screaming and fighting me. Last night was no different except that I was in a hurry. DH had said he was on his way home so I would be able to go to my line dancing class. Long story short, I totally lost my temper and was basically screaming at her to try to get the drops in. I.am.a.horrible.horrible.mother. Of course DH walks in right in the middle of my meltdown and is terribly disaapointed in me. DD never fights him and she quiets down and in the drops go. Made me feel even worse. Then I have to make a comment so guess what....no line dancing for me. We spent the rest of the night "discussing" how horrible a person I am.

I am mean to him. I don't pay him enough attention. I take out my frustrations on him because he is all I have. I don't do it on purpose and most of the time I don't even realize that I am doing it until it is too late. I say I'm sorry but I guess it doesn't have to same meaning when you say it too many times. I have to say that my OCD is getting the best of me at those times. Things have to be a certain way or it drives me crazy. And I can't concentrate on anything else until it is done. There is so much to do that I ignore him and get annoyed with DH more than I should. He is a good man and he deserves better than that. I am really scared that my marriage will fail. DH basically said last night (and in previous conversations) that he doesn't care to do anything with me anymore and that he guesses we need to live seperate lives. He also said that he secretly hopes that if he pushes me away enough that I will just stay away. Ouch! That hurt! I have to make a conscious effort to be nicer to him and show him how much he means to me. My life has been so blessed and I really need to learn to be grateful for the things that I have and not be disaapointed in the things that I don't. There are so many other people that are way less fortunate than me. I am being selfish and it has to stop. But where do I begin? Therein lies the problem...I just don't know.

I am worried about my son. I keep hoping and praying that his eye will get better. In reality, I can tell it isn't and it seems like his right eye is starting to turn too. I hope that I am being paranoid. DH and I also had a long talk about DS. I know that I baby him and it is probably my fault that he isn't farther along than he is. Add this to the guilt list. It is a mile long by now. I am working with him on eating more table foods, but he just isn't interested at all. We are making a little bit of progress but it is slow. Forget about self fedding at this point. Doesn't care about it at all. He did play with his fruit and pick up the animal crackers. That's a start right? Dr. P wants him on pediacare to increase his calories. I understand his thoughts because he is sliding down the "scale" but now he knows the difference and he will fight to drink regular milk without it. I would rather he be a little small than be more picky than he already is. I also think that I am overfeeing him in the evenings. I am not sure how much he "should" be eating, but he throws up a little bit every evening. I doubt it is that he isn't burping because most of the time he does burp before he gets down. I think I am going to try feeding him a little less and see if that helps.
Whoever said that parenting was easy lied! And I thought that the second one would be a piece of cake since I had already done it once. Must be Mommy Amnesia cause I can't remember nothing that I did with DD. I am just as insecure and worried this time around as last. [sigh] What to do?

Saturday I am going to an all day scrapbooking crop (that is unless DH forbids me to go). I am so excited. I think that will be my new obsession. LOL But it is getting expensive. I want my pages to be soo cute but I haven't the first clue how to start. haha. Guess I can learn. I ordered 200 pictures of the kids for their books. I just hope that I get them before Saturday.

Anyway, I need to get back to work. I got in trouble again today because I forgot a 2 in an email to the Department. Can you believe that? How ridiculous! I know I left it out but come on!

Have a great day everyone!