Let me apologize first for the ramble I am about to compose:

I'm sad. I'm not really sure why exactly, but I am. I guess it's a culmination of a lot of things all rolled into one. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't have any real friends, not ones that I can go and hang out with. Sure I have lots of internet friends and that is great for "talking" but I don't have anyone that I can run to and cry on their shoulder of laugh with. I think that might be part of the problem too. I am lonely.

I love my husband and he truly is my best friend but he doesn't undertand me and a lot of the time he is the reason I need to talk to someone. I sometimes wonder what is wrong with me? Why can't I keep friends. But I know the answer...I don't have time and I am horrible at keeping in touch with those that I don't see on a regular basis. That is something that I need to work on I know.

I am a member of an online group of other mothers from all over the US. I love them all dearly, but I have almost given up hope of meeting any of them. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry. Sometimes I wonder if I wouldn't be better off leaving the board, but I love them all dearly. It just kills me that I will never truly know them. Does that make sense?
I don't have anything that I can go and do outside of the home for me. I was taking Karate but I really couldn't afford it and other things kept coming up and keeping me from going. Besides, I can't see myself beating myself up for fun... no thanks! I have found a group that is meeting to do an all day crop thing so I am hoping that I can do that.

I worry about my kids. Am I being the best mother that I can be to my two beautiful children? Many days I don't think so. DD is very smart and does things that I would never think she would know how to do at 2, but there are many things that she can't/doesn't do that others her age can (ABC's, 1-2-3's, etc) and I know that I don't work with her as much as I could. Her daycare is a home daycare so they don't do that kind of thing. DH and I will probably moved them once they get a little older prior to starting kindergarten. And then there's DS. In so many areas he is so far behind. Alot of that has to do with his eyes but I haven't worked with him like I should have. He is no where near drinking out of a sippy cup and refuses to eat any table food. He will be 1 in less than a month and I worry so much about him. His left eye is turning in again which makes me want to cry too.

I don't know. I am rambling about nothing. I am beginning to wonder if I am "depressed" but everytime I go to talk to someone they pretty much tell me I am normal...blah blah blah.
*sigh* Anyway... I'll be fine. Just having a little pity party I guess.

One of the few friends I do have just had a baby. A beautiful baby girl. I am definately not the "model" mother but I was in awe at some of the things she is doing. To each their own I guess but it is something that I definately wouldn't do myself. She has a daughter that is also 2 and she is still sleeping in the bed with them. As of this past week, the new baby is sleeping with them too. I worry about all of them on so many levels. I co-slept with both my kids part time when they were newborns (until about 6 weeks or so) but never both of them at the same time. They have never made daughter #1 sleep in her own room/bed. Numerous people have tried and failed to get them to do it sooner than later. Now #2 is there too. Their marriage almost ended a few months before she got pregnant and I am concerned it will in the long run. Her husband is getting tired of sharing the bed with 3 other people and I can't blame him. I can't even begin to imagine. I miss the cuddle time with my babies, but I definately cherish my time too. Bad Mommy! LOL

Anyway...that's it for the random pity party. I had a bunch of other stuff that I was going to say but now I can't remember it. Oh well

Later!