I know it's cliche' and probably a bad early 90's song (remember Expose?) but it is a suitable title for how I am feeling right now.

I haven't had this blog long enough for anyone to really know me yet, but I think that most everyone can put their selves in my shoes in some respect. Growing up I had lots of friends, but no boyfriends until I was 17. R was my first everything and we were together for 4.5 years. I guess you would say we were high school sweethearts. We started "going together" the last week of our sophomore year in high school. When it was good it was really good. We were great friends for months before we started dating and shared most of the same interests. We were inseparable that first year and still remember the bliss and excitement I felt when I was with him.

Of course, being young and insecure I tended to blow things way out of proportion and hold on way to tight. No way did I stand for him doing anything without me. To me it was short of death and a true sign that he no longer wanted me. Today, I cherish those moments when I can go and do something by myself, but being "young and in love" I wasn't happy unless he was right beside me 24/7. How sad is that anyway? Soon enough that ugly green headed monster peek up and then tried to swallow us whole. As anyone who has been there can attest...it isn't pretty and is a guaranteed death sentence to a relationship. Sure enough, we started having problems. I have learned from that experience that if you accuse someone of cheating long enough they will more than likely go ahead and do it. Hell..you already think they are so why not? Not the right thing to do, but it happens. I'm true testament to it too.

We both were musicians and auditioned at the same schools. Naive me thought we would be together forever. Hell, I even gave up a scholarship to follow him. I loved ASU (go Apps!) but I have to wonder what life would have been like had we gone to separate schools. Oh well...things happen for a reason. At the beginning of our sophomore year in college I noticed that he wasn't around as much and was always busy. I could never get a hold of him when I needed him (this was before the time where EVERYONE had cell phones ~ I'm showing my age now!). Thinking back (and later conversations with R) I knew something was going on and there were clear signs that something was hinky but I was in denial and a part of me didn't care as long as he didn't leave me. I was so insecure that I thought that if he left me I would never find love again. Isn't true love grand? Well, I finally let the inevitable (I know that isn't spelled right) happen and we officially broke up the last day of finals of my sophomore year, 1995. I had the car packed (I was moving back home with my Mom. I just knew that I would die if I had to see him again) and as soon as we said our goodbyes I headed down the mountain. It actually wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. I think that I had mourned the relationship over the past few months since I had a feeling it was coming anyway. (You would think that the fact that he told me he wanted out 2 days before Valentine's Day would have been a clue huh?)

Over the next month or so I wallowed in my self-pity. Then I started working back in the same town and saw him on a regular basis. Now I didn't talk to him but I did see him and would seethe at him and his new/old girlfriend as they ate their Nacho Supreme's. I went on to enroll in UNC-Charlotte and moved into an apartment at the beginning of the year. Everything was fine and dandy.

Then he called...

As it turns out he couldn't live without....my friendship. I was hard being around him at first since I still loved him. He had since broken up with HER and it looked like we could at least be friends. I always had feelings for him but it was ok that we weren't together anymore. I was so proud of myself for being mature and not letting my feelings get in the way of a friendship. Maybe we were just destined to be friends? All I knew was that I was happy to have him back in my life; as long as I didn't have to watch him make out with another girl we were all good. We saw each other through some tough times and breakups and share more than a few alcoholic beverages and laughs. There was even a brief (I think 2 day) time where we were *considering* getting back together. [NOTE: Considering equaled making out during a drunken night and saying we would be "friends with benefits"]. Thanks Dan for talking him out of it...I really appreciate it!

Two years later I transferred back to ASU. I really wanted to get out of the present situation (abusive boyfriend and unsavory friends) and concentrate on getting my degree. Not to mention I missed the mountains. ASU is in the heart of the Blue Ridge Parkway and has the most beautiful landscape around. Nothing bets fresh mountain air. Plus I figured, if nothing else at least I had my long time friend there to lean on. I saw R on a frequent basis but managed to make my own friends too (Love you Ruth!) and finish my degree. Other than R wanting to date my roommate (again Ruth..thank you for NOT liking him back) things were great.

Then I met my now husband. Now- I have to say this before I go any farther. I LOVE my husband with all my heart. He is a wonderful man and I adore him. I have accomplished so many things in my life and I know that I couldn't have done it without him. He was truly sent to me for a reason. Besides, I wouldn't have my two absolutely beautiful children if it weren't for him. So no matter how annoyed or pissed at him I get, I am eternally grateful for everything. I love you boo!

That said. Once I started dating husband I was all absorbed like everyone is when they are "in love". Nothing and no one else mattered. It didn't help that my honey doesn't believe in "being friends" with someone that you have once dated. When I really think about it I understand why. It has the potential to stir up feelings and what husband would want to hang out with another man that you know has banged your wife? Not too many even though I know plenty who have and do. The hardest part was that I was expected (and still am) to say goodbye to the best friend I ever had. Sure he had done me wrong and taken advantage of me on numerous occasions, but that still didn't mean that he wasn't my friend. To this day I think he knows the real me better than anyone else, even after all these years. But R ended up moving to Texas to follow some girl he met at band camp so I thought that I would never talk to him again. I thought about R often but life goes on.

I am happy with my life as a whole. I love my life and I have been so blessed. I love my husband. I love my kids. I really wouldn'tt trade any of it for the world. I guess I just feel like something is missing. I don't know who I am anymore. There is no more me. Only Wife and Mommy. The damn TV and movies portray marriage as this happy, gushing, my husband is the most wonderful and helpful loving man on the planet, and my reality isn't that way at all. (Who's is really?) Sure I love hubby and he loves me. He does things daily for our family and me and I am eternally grateful. I can't put my finger on it. I guess the spark is just gone. I don't LOVE him right now, I just love him. I want it back. I don't like feeling like it doesn't matter if he is around or not and things being easier when he isn't home at night. In our big fights he has threatened the big D, but I know that he doesn't mean it. But I can't help but think sometimes ~what if? But I push that out of my mind because I don't think that is what I really want.

It all boils down to I need to find ME again. I think if I can then I can find us. And I need to stop all communication with R. Don't I? It certainly isn't helping matters any. I just miss him. I can't help it.

Damn that was long. Sorry about that. I just thought I needed to give you the whole history and I tend to get long winded. If you are still with me~WOW!

Has anyone else felt this way? What did you do? What do you think? This just sucks!